Written 9/19/2007

Reflections

As I sit and think about the year gone by I have to wonder has anything really changed. There have been many ups and downs and on the outside it seems like a lot has happened. But when I look at myself I see the same things; most of the same struggles and demons to battle. When New Years comes around will I have the same resolutions as the years before? Will I reach my goals for weight loss and personal contentment that I so desire? Will the bottle and pack consume me? There are so many things I want to let go of and let God do what he wants to do. Why are these things so hard for me? Why the everyday battle? The struggle with being alone and feeling defeated by my vices. I wonder if the future ahead of me will solve these problems but I know it won’t. I feel the need to fix it all before that day or it will all be wrong in some way. I know the key to winning this battle within is through the love of Jesus and a relationship with Him, but it seems so hard for me to truly let go and let Him in. I want to pray more regularly and read my word everyday but I don’t. Again the vices consume and I go another day defeated. I wake up and thank God for another chance to do right by Him and then go to bed wondering why I have failed again. I know the Bible says that the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy yet I allow my flesh and him to do all three. Stealing my time from God, killing me inside and destroying my family in secret. I turned 25 yesterday and I realized I wanted to be a different person then I have been for the past 25 years. I want to walk upright before God and be a living example of how God can work in someone’s life. His grace and mercy is sufficient for me and it has been so abundant that I feel I may use it all up. I thank God for keeping me safe even when I was not walking in His will. I only pray that I will think of this reflection each day and think of my family before I decide to go out for no reason other than having the company of others. I started this with the intention of posting a blog on my MySpace page but maybe it’s a bit too personal for that. I am sending this to you because I know you will pray for me and love me in spite of my faults.