Thoughts

I want to feel alive again. Feel like someone wants every inch of me. To be irresistible like I was with him. I made a choice to be unwavering but I am definitely feeling like a just want to put my foot on the other side again even if only for a moment. Because I met Ben. Now Ben is not the man of my dreams or anything. I would never leave because of him but right now he is in my ear telling me all the things you don't and I want to get a taste and walk away. It is driving me crazy. I haven't allowed myself to really get too close with another guy because I realize they usually have other motives and I was trying to stay away fro that but I am lonely as hell and just want to feel special for a while. But at what cost? I don't know what I am going to do but I guess I will just have fun flirting and let that be the end of it. It's crazy because every time I come home I get ready to make that big announcement and tell him it is over and I don't even want to try anymore. He will never be what I need him to be and that I no longer want to settle but I always get chicken. Grrrr I wish I had more courage I wish I could be strong and confident. We don't argue that much but we also don't talk we just exist. It is a shame. I know I am not giving it any of my energy but I just don't want to anymore. Help!!

Pray for Love

God, I pray for renewal in my relationships with my family and friends. My heart strings are tied to so many people that I sometimes lose sight of the uniqueness and privilege of each individual relationship. Guide my thoughts and my prayers so that I would be discerning the needs of those you have brought into my life. May I see how each friend and family member is part of the body of Christ.  When I need encouragement ad laughter, draw me to those who offer such nourishment. I thank you for the people in my life who bring comfort, who pray for me, and who are examples of our love. Some connects are fragile and tenuous, others are deeply rioted and mighty; I pray for wisdom to know how to nurture each one. AMEN

My dream

(disclaimer: this definitely has holes in it because I was not sure how to write every detail without turning it into a script.) My dream.  So we are on our way to a wedding and for whatever reason I have to drive with Steve. He starts to talk to me about my goals and how I should not be afraid to take the leap of faith to find a new job and do sales because he thinks I will be really good at it. We talk for the whole ride and when we arrive he tells me to find you and tell you what my ideas are for the future. I told him you would not be too happy about me talking to him because you hate that I can be honest and open with people. He says to go anyway and that he can set up an interview for me with his wife's job and you with him at the bank. When I get to you and tell you the good news you get upset with me and yell at me for talking to Steve. I try to tell you that I didn't say anything about you and your issues with faith and doing this outside of your understanding but you were pissed anyway. You told me I was making it seem like Steve is better than you and that I was having a "whole lot of conversation with Steve" Now we are at the reception and I am sad because you are not talking to me. You are cold and just plane mean. Knowing I know no one at the wedding and you just fussed at me for talking to Steve and being myself, I felt like I could not have fun. When I excused myself from the waiting area before the reception you were talking to a female friend of yours from college. I didn't pay it any mind and continued to the restroom.  When I returned I had my camera phone out and was getting ready to take a pic of you when I spotted you give this girl a kiss on the lips. I snapped the pic and tried to shrug it off. Maybe it was the cheek and I thought it was the lip maybe you came in wrong and it was an accident. The kiss did t last long it was a peck.  Thirty minutes or so later I see you walk off not too long after her so I decide to investigate. You are actually hugged up with her in some little corner laughing and being carefree. (something you never are at home). This time I decide to take video and play it cool because I do not want to ruin the brides big day.  Some how after we left Steve's wife got a hold of my phone and saw what you had done. She approached me about it and was very angry and said he would have Steve speak with you because she didn't want you working for his company and she understands if I no longer want to move to Texas.  I get home and you are on the couch watching sports center and explain that I need to talk to you and proceed to tell you about the wedding. You didn't seem to care. You said I shouldn't have been talking to Steve as if I wanted him and that I was to blame because of my past. You told me you had been with two other women as well and that it is what it is. I am of course screaming at you and cussing and carrying on but you are just playing it cool. You decide to laugh about it and go into detail about home girl 1&2 were doing things that I don't do anymore and that you were really getting it in with them. There are so many things i want to say but I can't. I want to tell you how you suck in bed and I know you are lying about pleasing any of these girls. I want to tell you it is cool cause two can play that game and all it takes is a phone call. But then you hit me with the big one "and I went in raw dog so you better get checked out hahaha". So cold that tears stream down my face and Same runs down the steps and outside crying "oh god mommy is going to die". Then I wake up.  It is 6:40am and I have been typing this on my phone for a while. We have been traveling for a few days and have had some long nights hanging out so I am definitely tired but I cannot go back to sleep because unfortunately I can finish dreams.  I am not sure why but if I wake up in the middle of a dream and go back to sleep I automatically go back to that dream. Right now you are laying next to me sleeping peacefully but I am in pain. I know it was a dream but it was not fuzzy, I remember it all and it sucked. I needed to write it down to clear my mind of it hopefully. I won't be going back to sleep but maybe tomorrow will be better.  

Today

No I dont have on any mascara or eyeliner, shadow or lipstick. I am not dressed to impress and I really dont care. Dont keep telling me I look tired. I just want to shout out or put a sign up somewhere that says, "Hi my name is __________ and my tit hurts like hell. This is not new to me but just when I thought it went away and I could possibly cancel my appointment on Friday, it is back with a vengence." I want to say I dont have to be all prim and dolled up everyday because I am fabulous with or without makeup. Shit I am 29 and I just started wearing the stuff last year. Try sitting all day and just being in pain with no explanation or idea of when it will stop. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! For right now I am not here. my mind can only focus on one thing at a time and that is trying to forget the pain. So until I get that under control dont say shit to me. NOBODY!!! When I am back I'll let you know but I know I wont know until at least after my doc appointment on Friday. I am thanking to God for each new day and I know HE wont give me more than I can handle. I just want to know what it is I am handling. Just trying to keep my head above water...

My prayer today

Chains that try to bind me
Chains that won't let me go
Chains, they keep me from trying
Chains, please loose your stronghold

Chains, though I try to surrender
Chains, yet and still I remember
Whom the Son sets free is truly free indeed
Lord, free me from these chains

Chains, and my heart full of sorrow
Chains, I won't sleep well tonight because of these chains
How I long for tomorrow
'Cause today there are no tears left to cry

Chains, though it feels cold as winter
Chains, I will fight to remember
That by Your stripes I'm healed, to Your heart, Lord, I appeal
Please free me from these

Chains of abuse
Chains, suicide
Chains, pain from my past
Chains, that robbed my peace of mind

Chains, chains of divorce
Chains, addiction and fear
Oh chains, being afraid to die
Chains, and afraid to live

Chains, chains of depression
Chains, haven't laughed in a while
Chains, restore my joy
Chains, and give me back my smile

Ooh chains, I do love You, Jesus
Chains, but not like I should
Chains, I love You forever
Chains, but not like I could

Chains, have mercy on me
Chains, can't go on this way
Chains, save me I'm lost
Chains, help me believe what You say

Chains, this is just a test
Chains, though it's hard to see
Chains, I surrender Your will
So now I ask You please free me from these
Oh, please free me from these
Oh, free from these

I know You can, You said You will
Free me (All I have left is you) Jesus
I know You can, please if You will
Free me Jesus

I believe You can, I believe You will
Free me (Please free me from myself) Jesus
So if You can, I pray You will
Free me (I wanna be free this time for real) Jesus

Please Lord, I'm begging You
Free me from
Oh, free me from these
Free me from these chains, chains
(This chains on my mind Lord, Please...
Free from worry...Set me free)

Past

I keep dreaming about you. You are married and seem to be happy. You and our wife are always leaving cute messages for each other on Facebook. but I keep dreaming about you. We talk, make love and raise our child together. Some nights it is just like back in the day when you would come over and hide from my mom (remember that time you slid down the stairs when she went to the bathroom and then knocked on the front door like you weren't already there?) Sometimes we are just hanging out having a good time laughing the way we used to. We were so lung back then and I haven't really known you since a few years after Sam was born.

I broke up with you because at the time I thought you played too many video games and weren't focused enough. You have said that helped make you the man you are today (I guess I helped get you ready for your future wife) I know if we were still together it would be different but part of me will always wonder.

One month after we broke up I found out I was pregnant. I had already been with the other guy and had no idea he could possibly yours until I looked at his face. After he was born you saw us driving down the street one day and stopped me. You asked if he was yours because he looked just like me. It he looked just like you too. I assured you he was not because the guy that signed the birth certificate was nuts and he might kill me (literally) if he found out Sam wasn't his. So I kept up with it even though my mom thinks he is yours and so does the guys mom. Fast forward eleven years and Sam wants to meet his birth dad. Because he has questions about himself. The guy that signed the birth certificate is married now with a daughter and is no longer the jerk he used to be. Oh I forgot to mention, I am married now but Sam was officially adopted by my husband who is the only father he has ever known. He is a good man but we don't have much in common and never laugh as much as I would like. But he loves Sam.

I called the signer and finally fessed up that I am just not sure after all these years and he assured me that it was ok because we were you g and dumb. We are grown now with careers and families and that would not hold a grudge. But will you? I have no idea how this will turn out but it makes me queezy.

Maybe I am dreaming about you because I know in my heart he is yours and I wish I had did things right the first time. I have gone through an array of emotions about this one being ashamed. Now I am just worried as hell that my past is going to bite me in the but. You'll hate me and so will Sam. As tears stream from my face as I finish this note I know God is there and it will all be ok in the end. What's done is done. I am sorry in advance. I loved you and maybe I still do. I guess I will know the answers to this sooner than later.

So I am sending this blog from my phone because I have to use the 3G because the Internet is STILL not working in my house. I am amazed that you actually believe that your mother has nothing to do with this Internet situation that is going on in my house? She is shady for not answering my calls after she found out I was calling about Verizon. Now I find out that she is using my email, MY WORK EMAIL!, for confirmation on her so called Verizon account. Your mom is so manipulative and you can't even see it. I am fed up with your mom and her shenanigans. And YOU believing that she is actually a nice good Christian woman. NOw I have my mess with me so I am not saying that she is not saved but she is definitely letting the devil use her right now. Oh and when the heck is she gonna pay us back for the bed you got for her dang son to sleep on cause he is still living in my dang house? I have a headache over this mess. I want to cuss ya mama out. As since I can't cuss ya mama out you are going to hear about it OR I am going to go off. I am pissed right now.