Past

I keep dreaming about you. You are married and seem to be happy. You and our wife are always leaving cute messages for each other on Facebook. but I keep dreaming about you. We talk, make love and raise our child together. Some nights it is just like back in the day when you would come over and hide from my mom (remember that time you slid down the stairs when she went to the bathroom and then knocked on the front door like you weren't already there?) Sometimes we are just hanging out having a good time laughing the way we used to. We were so lung back then and I haven't really known you since a few years after Sam was born.

I broke up with you because at the time I thought you played too many video games and weren't focused enough. You have said that helped make you the man you are today (I guess I helped get you ready for your future wife) I know if we were still together it would be different but part of me will always wonder.

One month after we broke up I found out I was pregnant. I had already been with the other guy and had no idea he could possibly yours until I looked at his face. After he was born you saw us driving down the street one day and stopped me. You asked if he was yours because he looked just like me. It he looked just like you too. I assured you he was not because the guy that signed the birth certificate was nuts and he might kill me (literally) if he found out Sam wasn't his. So I kept up with it even though my mom thinks he is yours and so does the guys mom. Fast forward eleven years and Sam wants to meet his birth dad. Because he has questions about himself. The guy that signed the birth certificate is married now with a daughter and is no longer the jerk he used to be. Oh I forgot to mention, I am married now but Sam was officially adopted by my husband who is the only father he has ever known. He is a good man but we don't have much in common and never laugh as much as I would like. But he loves Sam.

I called the signer and finally fessed up that I am just not sure after all these years and he assured me that it was ok because we were you g and dumb. We are grown now with careers and families and that would not hold a grudge. But will you? I have no idea how this will turn out but it makes me queezy.

Maybe I am dreaming about you because I know in my heart he is yours and I wish I had did things right the first time. I have gone through an array of emotions about this one being ashamed. Now I am just worried as hell that my past is going to bite me in the but. You'll hate me and so will Sam. As tears stream from my face as I finish this note I know God is there and it will all be ok in the end. What's done is done. I am sorry in advance. I loved you and maybe I still do. I guess I will know the answers to this sooner than later.