How I feel

Today I woke up with a chip on my shoulder. My relationship with Jake has improved a lot since the last time I wrote something in here. It has had a lot of downs and we are slowly inching our way back up but I am still blah. I want more from my relationship but I have no idea how to get it. I must admit I am not giving 100%. I don't give the affection I want, so why do I expect it? Let's not talk about the fact that I asked Jake why I am not getting any yum yum and he "honestly" answered that he doesn't think about it much. I am not sure if that is a reflection of me or if he blocks it out because he knows we will end up having some type of conversation about it. I know I pictured as a little girl that I would have a Cosby and Claire kind of relationship with my husband but I guess that is not realistic. I feel like I have to watch old episodes to she how she treated him. I want to challenge myself to love Jake the way I want to be loved and hope that it will be reciprocated. Earlier in our relationship I tried it and it didn't work so I am afraid to get my feelings hurt again.

I miss my friend. He always seems to fill the void and I haven't gotten a chance to chill with him lately. It may be for my own good but it just makes me kind of sad. I miss the music and the laughter. Don't get me wrong Jake and I laugh sometimes. Yesterday I told him about something funny that happened to me at work and we died laughing. The thing is, I am funny to him and I tell pretty good stories but he just listens, gets a free laugh and gives nothing back. I am not a stand up comic and would rather enjoy a comedic conversation then a one man(woman) show.

Football season is upon us and it is my least favorite time of year because it allows me to see that Jake is not actually a nonchalant guy. He is passionate about Football and checks stats, plays fantasy games (at least 2 leagues) and dedicates ample time I watching what he loves. I am not a jealous person but boy am I jealous of football. (Side bar....

I just realized another reason I do not want anymore children. When I had Sam, Jake played with him and laughed and joked with him and tossed him around and was very affectionate and just great. I couldn't understand how he could give so much emotion to a child and not to me. He did it with his nieces and nephews too. It honestly made (makes) me sick to my stomach to see he turn into a different person when he is around children (under 4yrs old) but can't relay that same emotion to me or to Sam know that he is 9yrs old. He focuses on discipline and not the other things that go with being a father. Oh don't get me wrong he supports Sam but Sam says he wants more from Jake and I don't know what to tell him because I want more too.

At the end of the day things have gotten better but everything is so routine. Wake up, get dresses, go to car, drive Sam to school, drive Sam to track practice, cook dinner, have minimal conversation with Jake, shower, bed, (NO YUM YUM), do it all over again. The sun is what makes me smile. I wish I lived in a place that was sunny all the time. Things kind of just roll off my back when I can go and enjoy a nice walk in the sun.

I think I am going to cut my hair. (Random, exactly what I need)