Thoughts

I want to feel alive again. Feel like someone wants every inch of me. To be irresistible like I was with him. I made a choice to be unwavering but I am definitely feeling like a just want to put my foot on the other side again even if only for a moment. Because I met Ben. Now Ben is not the man of my dreams or anything. I would never leave because of him but right now he is in my ear telling me all the things you don't and I want to get a taste and walk away. It is driving me crazy. I haven't allowed myself to really get too close with another guy because I realize they usually have other motives and I was trying to stay away fro that but I am lonely as hell and just want to feel special for a while. But at what cost? I don't know what I am going to do but I guess I will just have fun flirting and let that be the end of it. It's crazy because every time I come home I get ready to make that big announcement and tell him it is over and I don't even want to try anymore. He will never be what I need him to be and that I no longer want to settle but I always get chicken. Grrrr I wish I had more courage I wish I could be strong and confident. We don't argue that much but we also don't talk we just exist. It is a shame. I know I am not giving it any of my energy but I just don't want to anymore. Help!!