To Jake

Why are you so angry in the morning? Why do I have to get up as soon as the alarm goes off? It is not my fault it talks you longer to get ready. I guess I am just not girly enough. It does not take five minutes to get a shirt on. If Sam wants oatmeal, instant by the way, there is no reason you can't boil the water and pour some in a carry bowl. You are always the last one out of the house because you are busy looking in the mirror or doing whatever you do because I am always in the car waiting for you. You act like we have made you late. we are always on time or early. Today we were really early. Sam has picture day, a trip coming up, tuition due and we have paperwork to mail in for the adoption and I have to take care of it all even though I asked you to handle the pictures and trip. You asked "Are you going to go to the MAC machine or something? What are you going to do?" If I wanted to figure it out I would have like I have been doing for the past eight years of Sam's life. Sometimes I feel like a single parent with a grown man living in the house. i just keep praying for the Lord to help me with my tongue so I do not say what I am thinking. I talked to my dad yesterday and he told me to treat you like I want to be treated. I would do that but when I did it in the past you did not notice and said that because you do not need affection or anyone to be nice or do anything for you, you don't notice or care that someone is doing nice things for you. I got home yesterday and went right into the kitchen to cook a Sunday meal. It was not quick. I like to cook and I appreciated your brother putting the food away but I had to wash the dishes. I know you would say I did not have to wash them but they would have piled up until Saturday and even then I would have been the one washing them. Thank you for making my plate. I have to see the good. I am just wondering at what point I became unhappy with my whole situation. I enjoyed life much more when I lived with my mom. Is that because I was wilding out sometimes and it did not really matter what you did because I always had a buddy (as Musiq says) to tell me I am beautiful and that I was fun to be around. A buddy that did not interfere but was always there when I called. Now that the buddies are gone I have nothing and no one to say those things. Sending birthday gifts or hey I was thinking of you and I am taking you to lunch or shopping for a new outfit. I know most people say buddies are dangerous because you have to give too much of yourself but my buddies felt sorry for me because they thought I was giving so much to you. My car was always clean, hair done if I needed it, money in my pocket, a smile because he called me a queen. I should have known this would happen. I have always been spoiled by him and now that I am married to you and did not pick him, even though we are still friends, he refuses to fill the shoes you don't fit. This was the first time he didn't get me a birthday gift and every time we go to lunch he doesn't say anything more than any of my girlfriends would say. I am jealous when he talks about his relationship with his girlfriend but I try not to let it show. I know if I did he would just say it was my fault anyway. A marriage for me has to be more than this. I know I could get another buddy but I want you to be my buddy that is why I picked you and not him. I guess that was dumb of me. You may never be the man I need you to be. You may never love me the way I need to be loved but I have to love you anyway and not regret. LORD, fix my heart. I want to be happy again.