Like You Used to Do

I can smell the scent of fresh cut grass
You know it kind of took me back
To yesterday when we was young, oh so young
I remember we were so scared
To even hold each other's hands
But still we fell so deep in love
When did it start to rain
How did things get so strange
When did it go astray

'Cause you don't love or want me
Sometimes I think that you don't know me
I just need for you to show me
Oh like you used to do
Like you used to do

You were my Weezy, you were my Boo
You was my Thelma, damn I was into you
Why can't it be that way again baby
You were my Marvin, my Billy Dee
Oh baby my, my, my sweet melody
Why can't you play that music today
I wanna play baby
When did it start to rain
How did things get so strange
When did it go astray

Girl you don't want me, need me
Girl you don't even try to please me
I would if you would squeeze me
Like you used to do
Like you used to do

You don't hear me, you don't feel me
Sometimes I think you don't even see me
Well girl I would if you believed in me yeah
Like you used to do
Like you used to do

When we gonna do it like we used to
When we gonna do it
Like you used to do
When we gonna do it like we used to do
When we gonna do it
Tell me when did it start to rain
How did things get so strange baby
When did it go astray
I wanna know when did it start to rain
How did things get so strange baby
I wanna know, I wanna know

Well you don't hear me, you don't feel me
Sometimes I think that you don't see me
Well girl I would if you believed in me yeah
Like you used to do
When we gonna do it like we used to do
When we gonna do it
Like you used to do
When we gonna do it like we used to do
When we gonna do it

Still not talking

Yesterday I stayed at my mom's house until 10pm. Sam took a shower there and put on a pair of pajamas she keeps there for him. It was nice to talk to her and just hang out. When I got home Sam went right to bed and I said a few words to Jake before I ironed Sam and my clothes for today and took a shower. By the time I was done all that, Jake went upstairs to iron his things and I went downstairs to finish watching Meet the Browns. The show is so funny, and laughter is like a medicine. I stayed down there until The House of Payne went off at 11:30pm and went to bed. Jake was already snoring. I tried to avoid conversation at any point which was impossible so of course he found some way to irk me. I am probably affected by every slow thing he says but whatever. It doesn't seem to be getting better.

Don't self destruct

I realized I was self destructing. To deal with my issues I started to drink and smoke again. I, for some reason, thought it would be better if I drank to stop feeling the way I felt. It worked until I had to keep waking up with a hang over and probably an ugly liver. But this has been a new week for me. I decided that the best way to feel better about my situation is to work on myself. I start dance classes on February 5th and I am excited to learn new moves and gain a new appreciation for myself.
My home life may stay the same but I refuse to go downhill with it. I am eating breakfast every morning now courtesy of one of the Three Stooges (co workers). We sat down and set goals for ourselves and are beginning to do what is necessary to achieve them. We are going to start going to the gym at lunch and bring $5.00 per week to cover purchasing healthy snacks for the office. Am I my brothers' keeper? Yes I AM!
I decided to walk while my son is at track practice and before his meets. It makes no sense to have a track at my disposal and not use it. Sunday was the first time I walked the track before his meet and it was great! I even attempted to jog a little. I am also going to the gym after I get things done in the house. Instead of the bar I will be a regular on the elliptic machine. I am excited about becoming a happy person again. I am excited to take control of my situation and live in the moment. Put God first and work my butt off. I want this more than anything. Things are not the greatest right now a home but I have to get better for myself. Self destruction is not the answer. You should never allow someone to pull you down to the point where you no longer love yourself.
I thank God for my friends and my mom who constantly encourage me to rise above it all.

I WILL RISE (and get fit and fabulous while I do it!!)

Someone

I never wanted a woman that wanted
Me for my name or material things
See
I always hope for a woman that's so sure, emotionally secure
With spiritual faith
A woman that I can trust with all of my secrets
And even listen to all of my issues
A woman who never judge
Me or how I was
She deals with me strictly through love

Chorus:
Someone who will put up with the things
Loving me can bring
But still be there to see us through
Someone who would put up
With the strange and complicated things
Cause I would do the same for her too
Someone who I can be real with
Aint gotta be perfect
Because loving one another is all that matters
It's not hard to explain
So believe me when I say
That I found all of that in you

All that I hope for a friendship that's so pure
A girl I can talk to bout whatever is on my heart
A woman that needs me
That trust and believes me
That wont take my kindness as some kind of weakness
A woman who bares her soul who is willing to let go
That wants me to lead her but knows how to take control
And when I am feeling down
Cause things are going wrong
She fills me up and makes me feel strong

Chorus:

You are that someone who loves me
Through all my inperfections
You know my heart is filled with nothing but good intentions
You are the one that told me
Long as we got us
Nothing matters
You are the one that sees the joy through the pain
You are my light through the rain
Here and now
Girl I am saying
It's you
You're my heart
It's you
Your that someone I can truly say that I'll never find another love like you


I don't think I am her. I mean I have many of those qualities and used to have even more but it is hard to continue to be that someone when you are looking for that someone too.

Still the same

I am still tired and frustrated with the current situation. I wonder if things will change this year or if I will still be writing the same bullshit next year. I wish I could turn back the clock and do it all over again. I would definitely do thins a lot differently that time around. I would be with someone who was different maybe a little more like me. Maybe someone I had some more things in common with. It is a little early and I am going to take my shower and go to bed. I have been on vacation with him for almost two weeks and I am looking forward to going back to work.

Everyone takes the time out during this time of year to make resolutions about what they are going to do to make life easier or more manageable. People want to loose weight and get new jobs but all I want this year is a closer relationship with God and to maybe just begin to like my husband a little bit. I would love to loose weight but I say that every year and I never accomplish it. I would love to make lots of money or get a new kitchen but I know that is not going to happen either. I will go for maybe a dinning room set and good I sex.

I went to see my best friend over my vacation and I came back even more upset that I had been before. Seeing two people get along the way she and her husband do was hard for me. I knew that she had finally gotten what she wanted but I felt a tinge of jealousy. She reads this and I know she knows I am not a jealous person. I want her to have the worldand she knows that so please do not pass judgement on me. I think I am worthy of happiness but maybe I am not. I have been many places and done many things and maybe this life that I have now, not the worst by far, but maybe this is the way it is and will always be.

I am filled with words but I do not feel like typing anymore.

Goodnight.

PS To my three readers, I hope you enjoyed your vacation.