Well today I have a lot on my mind. I found out today after an EMG test on my wrist that I have tendinitis and not carpel tunnel. I was very happy when I heard that. The tendinitis hurts really bad but carpel is much worse and I am too young to have it as far as I am concerned. I will wear the thumb splint I got the yesterday from Rite Aid and pray it goes away soon. The doc told me to rest my arm and Jake told me to stop acting like superwoman and chill. I just said ok and told him not to let my house fall apart and my child starve while I am resting the hand.

Yesterday I had a melt down. I got home from work and my hand was in a lot of pain. I didn't want to just go to sleep and not hang out with Sam so we started to play a game of scrabble. I purchased a Dictionary yesterday at Rite Aid just for our Scrabble game time. WE played for a while and were having a good time when Sam got frustrated because he could not get a word. I went to help him and he got mad and sad he didn't want my help. He got a nasty attitude and in my frustration I knocked over the game and it hit him. Well he acted like I did it on purpose (which I would never do, Oh it tapped him by the way) and he said I didn't care and blah blah blah. I told him to call his grandmom (voice of reason), tell her the truth and see what she says. After that I melted. Jake walked in the house and I was in the bathroom crying. I was sad that I hust Sam's feelings and I felt like I was all alone in my own house. I often feel like I have no one to talk to because Jake is on the computer and Sam is too young to have adult conversation. We hang out but it is not the same as having an adult to have an interesting conversation with. When I said all this while crying on the toilet, Jake said I cannot be mad at him that when he comes home he does the same thing everyday. It is what is best for him and he has no problem including me but I don't want to play fantasy football this year and I am not interested in facebook because I have been on it for a while. He is a corny guy and I can't do anything about it. What I think is dull he thinks is relaxing. I said "I am happy that you enjoy your life and get to do what you want to do while I am miserable." His response was that I should not be miserable all my life and I need to find something to do. I was going to sign up for ballroom dancing but I don't have $80 to spare (pathetic huh). He suggested that I might enjoy going to the gym because the bar is out of the question (used to be my place to hang out, have no desire to go there cause it will send my ina downward spiral) . I think that is a great idea and am going to start going after he gets home from work. I hope this helps me get motivated. I am looking forward to going.

It is the end of the summer and my birthday is just around the corner. I have been thinking about the past year and a lot has happened. I have a lot of adjusting to do and I am still trying to get it all together. I am going home now and I am going to try and relax.

Energy

Read below.  It is not that deep but it has been before and I can totally relate.

Keri Hilson - Energy lyrics

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
Cuz I put to much enegry in him and me
Can't wait til I get through this phase
Cuz it's killing me
To bad we can't re-write our own history

Such a mystery when he's here with me
It's hard to believe I'm still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain't how it's supposed to be

I'm having nightmares
From sleeping with the enemy
We gotta re-reverse the chemistry
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, My Energy
Taking all my energy
Energy, My Energy
Taking all of (my energy)

Seems only like yesterday
Not even gravity
Could keep your feet
Off the ground
When u go to me
How can two be as one
We've become to divided now
There's no use hiding from my misery
Such a mystery when he's here with me
It's hard to believe I'm still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain't how it's supposed to be

I'm having nightmares
From sleeping with the enemy (Oh, Yeah)
We gotta re-reverse the chemistry
(We gotta re-)
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, My Energy
Taking all my energy (Energy)
Energy (Energy), My Energy (Energy)
Taking all of

Cause your taking all of my energy
I'm having nightmares
From sleeping with the enemy
We gotta reverse the chemistry
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy

I'm having nightmares
From sleeping with the enemy (Oh)
We gotta reverse the chemistry (Oh, Oh)
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love
Is taking all of my energy (Energy)
Energy (Energy), My Energy (Oh)
Taking all my energy (Oh-Oh)
Energy, My Energy (Taking all of me)
Taking all of

Ya killing me
Ya taking all of me yeah, oh
This love is taking all of my energy



Song lyrics  Energy lyrics

Coming out of Egypt

I am listening to a message on CD I got from church on Sunday. My mom told me to pick it up because she thought I needed to here it. The message is about trusting God to come out of your Egypt. Stuck in a rut but staying in it because you have become comfortable and complacent. I often say that my season is over at my job because I have gotten all that I can from it.


I took the job because I thought it was going to lead to another level in the company but I realize that God gave me this job, not for the preparation it would give me but for the people I would meet while here. I often prayed that I would find girlfriends. I didn't hang with girls when I was in college except maybe one or two. I have always gotten a lot of flack from other females so I stayed away. Well, I have been blessed and met some of the most wonderful ladies I have ever known. I know them now and know that if I were to leave I would keep in touch. Other than speaking with them, I find no gratification in my work environment. There is no room to move up and frankly if there were I probably would not want it here anyway. I have great bosses who, for the most part, don't get on my nerves and I enjoy talking to. But talking and making friends has nothing to do with work and I need to move on.

My job is definitely my Egypt. I make good money and do not have a hard time paying my bills. The minister said it is easy to trust your job because you know you are going to get a paycheck. The question is can you trust God. My check is needed to pay bills and I have always been afraid that things would be too difficult if I left my job to pursue another career. I have to get in my word and talk to Jake because I cannot be here much longer. I am always being told to smile and that I look unhappy because I am unhappy. I thought that it would be too much to get married, by a house and change jobs in the same year but I need to do something quick. This message may be the start of my deliverance from Egypt.

Making pancakes

Well, it is Wednesday and I always have a long day on Wednesday because I am trying to get over the hump. Yesterday I did not write because by the time I had something to say, it was time for me to go to bed and of course Princess was on the computer. So I'll say it now.


I never make a mess in my kitchen. I usually was as I cook and leave very little behind when I am finished. But yesterday it looked like a Tasmanian Devil ripped thru my kitchen by the time I finished cooking. Tuesday is football for the little guy and I usually don't cook on Tuesday because we get home late. I didn't cook on Monday because I actually let the boy go to the playground and we stayed for a long time. I did not want to get food two nights in a row so I decided on my way home from work that I would try two new recipes. Now I should have know better than to take on such a task on a Tuesday but I was eager to try them and decided that if I could get all the prep work done before practice started at 6:30pm then I could do the cooking when I returned from practice. I cut everything up, made homemade Italian seasoning because I didn't had any left and, having already made a mess, left for practice.


I never leave practice but my mom made a quiche and I had to get it and a few things I left in the pantry at her house to finish dinner. I got to my mom's house and she started to cry because she is going through a lot right now and my dad is not helping. (Long story...) Anyway I told her to call me and let me know if there was anything I could do to help and I had to leave her, which I hated to do, so I could get back to practice.


On the way home from practice Princess called to say he was on the bus (yeaaaaa) and I thought, "well dang he is going to get home faster than he would have if I picked him up. Even though he said it would take an additional hour." Well guess what? As I was getting out of the car he was walking up the street. It toke him 20min.


I finished dinner, Zucchini casserole and sundried tomato chicken(two separate dished), and made a royal mess. When I announced that Princess could eat, because Sam had already eaten some spaghetti heated up after practice, Princess came into my kitchen put the food on his plate and asked what was in it. When I told him he made the ugliest face and I wanted to punch his lights out. I slaved and he made a face. I am a really good cook and I often try new recipes and doctor them to my taste. Well, he put the food on his plate lifted it up and looked at it like it was poop. I told him if he was going to be rude to do it in the living room. Do you know he ate all the food included the zucchini and got up for seconds? I wanted to smack him. He never said sorry or that his mother (who I love but spoiled him in certain ways) messed up the home training in the food department. All he did was ask me if I liked it, and when I mentioned his ungrateful behavior he acted like he did not know what I was talking about.


I WASHED EVERYTHING BY MYSELF!!!!! Princess sat at the computer and had no problem letting me go in the kitchen and wash every dish, pot, pan, utensil. I wanted to scream. No I didn't ask for help because I am crazy and I wanted to know how long he would let me suffer before he decided to care. (I have pains in my wrist and washing the dishes is horrific, so is cooking and cutting but I like to cook so I grin and bear it. He stated that he hates washing dishes and that they may not get washed for a while if he has to be the one to do it) Just in case you are wondering, yes I have a dish washer but the majority of the things I had to wash were big pots that did not fit. I only used it to rinse the small things. Anyway, when I moaned because I was in pain, not trying to get attention but just could not hold it anymore, he says "Yo, I'll wash the dishes." I was already done washing the damn dishes by the time that happen and I was drying them off. I told him and he did not get up to help but sat there, so I finished. When I went to clean the living room he said, "I will get that." I'm thinking what the hell kind of help do I need with a folding tray and a rag to wash it off; you have got to be kidding me. Even then he didn't help as he offered, he just sat there on the computer.


So you know me, I finished and hit the shower and went to bed.


So when I get to work, pissed because I have a hard time letting things go (I am trying to work on it) my Friend sent me this email...


Pancakes

Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter,opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor. He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad. He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky. And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon 's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking.But his father just watched him. Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!That's how God deals with us.. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour. Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to 'make pancakes 'for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried... I was thinking and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed,friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said.Sometimes, 'I love you' can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do. Just in case I haven't told you lately.. I LOVE YA!!!


I realized that yesterday I tried to make pancakes and instead of me just being content that I accomplished what I had set out to do, I moped because of someone elses response. I kind of wanted Princess to have the same reaction as the father of the boy, seeing how hard he worked but I should have let it go and moved on. I will keep trying to make pancakes, setting goals and trying to accomplish them. I know God sees me and my hard work, and even if my family does not appreciate it, I know I did it and have to keep doing it because God will always be proud of me if I try. He can get me through everything.
.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

The Desk

Just when I thought I did not have anything to say, I found out I have front desk duty. I am sitting at the front desk thinking about the fact that I have a bunch of work to do at my own desk and I am sitting here answering phones for the switch board receptionist because the two we have are out and someone has to cover the desk at all times. I am glad that I have a job but this one is on my nerve. Looking on the bright side I guess it is cool to get away from the desk I usually sit at all day but being here at this one is just as boring as the other one. Lord give me the strength to make it through the day. People call the front desk with the most ridiculous questions. "Hello, can I speak to Tim?" (Well wouldn't you think you need a last name when you are calling a nice size company? And with a name like Tim it doesn't matter how small the company is you still need a last name.) "Hello, my name is Kevin and I am selling blah blah blah blah blah blah." (Who do you want to speak to? This is a switchboard.) Last but not least, and this is my favorite... "Hello, I am suing you guys because blah blah blah blah blah blah and blah did you know that blah blah blah." (Guess who gets those calls? You guessed it, I do when I am at my regular desk. I seem to always get the irate customers)

I know when you wake up and want to call out everyday, you are in big trouble and should probably get another gig. Maybe I will work on my resume when I get home.

On another note...

My brother called me today and asked me about a dentist appointment he is trying to make. He called and the dentist told him that he had to pay in advance and that his insurance company would reimburse him once they send in the bill and it is approved. well if the medical profession is anything like mine where we wait forever to pay people then my brother would not get his money back for at least a few months. I told him to tell the dentist he would make an appointment somewhere else. I understand that doctors and dentists want to get paid in a timely manner and do not want to wait for the insurance companies. It is easier to bill the patient and let them deal with the insurance companies but I figure, you are a doctor and you knew getting into the business that you were going to have to wait to get paid. I pay the insurance company so they can pay you. If I had the money to pay the doc/dentist upfront then I would not have insurance. I hope my brother finds a place. I know his tooth is probably on its last nerve. (No pun intended)

Sunday's message

This is why I need to be in church every Sunday and at bible study on Wednesday. I gotta tell you that the message today was something else. The pastor talked about being and example and not being luge warm. I can't touch on everything but I can say I complain too much. The Lord has blessed me and my family so much and I don't seem to talk about that enough. He said praise God in spite of everything you are going through. In the beginning he said you have to have to have an "If Not" praise. That meant praise God because you are going through and He is going to get you out of whatever it is but if not praise Him anyway. Even if you don't get what you are looking for and the kids and husband are still getting on your nerves, praise Him anyway.

He also talked about people knowing whether or not your are a Christian. Do your friends at work ask you how was the bar or do they say how was church cause they know for sure you were there and not at the club. I thought about that and I ave to do a better job of separating myself from things that are not Christ like. I can't expect my friends at work to get saved and believe Jesus died for them and they can have eternal life if I am cutting up and acting up. Oh believe me the people close to me can see the changes in my life and see the Christ working in me but I have to work harder and take one day at a time. Oh I know I will mess up but as long as I am doing my best and even better than that I will have victory.

I have to talk to people about the love of Christ. How good he is and that no other God is like my God. I have faith that in the midst of all that complaining and problems, good things and bad things, God will provide for me and my family, love me and talk to me when I need Him. But "If Not" I will praise Him anyway. I think that is a good word.

Oh there is so much more. I have to get the CD so I can listen to it again. Oh and by the way, I had a great time out with Jake the other night. We went to PF Chang and another restaurant to listen to his friend DJ. It was a nice evening.

I know I am going to write what I feel in the blog all the time. Whether good or bad you are gonna know but I just want to make sure I don't always feel bad.

Stay uplifted and be blessed.

Confirmation

So, I am about to go out with my husband and I must say I m a little down and out. I was excited at the thought of us having a nice night out; we had a great one last weekend. (I know I complain, but we have good times too.) The reason I am down is becausenow it is time to get dressed. Well I can say that I don't have the ost manicured body and am no longer the cute size I used to be so I just need a little confirmation every once and a while that I still got it. I mean my friends tell me all the time that I am fabulous but I think it is more of a personality compliment then a "Oh you are gorgeous" type of thing. Oh did I mention that my husband has impecible taste and always looks so nice. He spends forever in the mirror. I tell him and he says thank you but does not necessarily return the complimant. I have the most beautiful friends. My girl Sophia is just gorgeous but I wonder if she ever feels the way I do. I try to compliment my friends all the time because I know we need it. The husband is calling for me to finish getting dressed. I hope it meets his approval. I sure would like to hear that I look nice. gotta go. I'll let you know how it goes. Later.

Alright, I thought I would have to write later but as it seems my hubby is still in the mirror and I am washed, dressed, and makeup on. I guess Princess is true to his name. He cuts is hair (slight shape-up and face for today) in front of my dresser and claims he cleans the hair up except when he is in a rush, which is all the time rush if you were to ask me. I did my best with my hair because my hair dresser could not it me in after work. I think I look nice and that is going to have to be good enough. I know I shouldn't need any confirmation, I guess I need to work on tht part of myself.

Oh and now, because he is not ready, I need to call and make a reservation and tell him how long it takes o get to a place he already knows how to get to. You know he told me that he will always ask me everything first because why bother trying to figure it out if I can figure it out or know faster. I always call movie phone or make the reservations because he claims he can't do it. I think it is pure selfishness. He has enough time to get ready though. Gotta go. He is finally ready. I guess I'll call the restaurant know. I'll still let you know how it goes.

Good night. TTYT

A New Day

It's funny how one day you can be pissed at the world and the next you just feel normal. Yesterday was not a good day but I am determined to make today much better. I talked to Jake last night and guess what, he is going to catch the bus. I spilled my guts out and he explained how getting home late from catching the bus was unfair. In the end he will be catching the bus. I guess that communication stuff works if you give it time. We will see how the next few days go. Our son is going on vacation with his grandmother for a few days so we will see if we can get along that long.

On to something else...

Michael Baisden had a topic on his radio show yesterday about people who go to college and get degrees but never work in a field that has anything to do with it. The other part was people who have degrees that hate their jobs. I did not get to call in so I figured I would give my two cents now.

I HATE MY JOB!!!! I have a degree in finance and my school cost over 20k per year and I am working as an administrative assistant (secretary). I work for three people and support two departments. The closest I get to numbers is organizing the budget every year and making required changes. It is a mindless job and I know that there is better out there. The problem is that I am married have a family and bills and I make good money. All these things deter me from pursing other things. Don't let that be you.

My suggestion to everyone on their way to school is to do what you love. I admire my younger brother because he started school with a major people thought was good for him and ended up realizing that is not what he wanted in life. Instead of settling, for maybe more money, he decided to pursue his dreams and changed his major after two years of school. He had to do more time but will be be much happier in the end.

Try to make your dreams come true. You don't want to live you life thinking "What if?"

Created Nov 15, 2006

Forever

When I see him I think of all the times we've shared and wonder if I could have done things better.
What if I loved him more or a little bit harder? Would it matter?
Will I ever be happy, satisfied or complete? Why do I always complain when what I want could very well be right in front of me.
You know I've thought about forever, and for worse but what if it is always worse.
Ok, I know it looks like I'm scared or maybe have cold feet, but forever seems like such a very long time to me. I'll look on the bright side for a moment I suppose...
He loves me right??? He'll give me a kiss good night, play with the kids and maybe me too. Who knows I might even hear an occasional "You're beautiful" or two.
Forever is a long time and suppose I need to start learning to be ready for the journey that is before me, when two become one...

Scared and excited all in one.

Created May 7, 2007

You
In some ways I feel as if I need you.
Like my day gets brighter every time I speak to you.
I know we don't talk like we used to and even though we may not feel exactly the same as before, you will always be you. No one could ever take your place in my heart. I am not sure if things were different right now, we could be together and it would all make since but I know that the time we still share, even if only for an hour and a half is more precious to me than you could ever imagine. I enjoy laughing with you and just enjoying life with you. I know this sounds mushy and we haven't had on of those mushy talks in a long time but I just needed to let you know that you are and will always be my best friend, my soul mate.
I love you.
LAAFAF

Written 9/19/2007

Reflections

As I sit and think about the year gone by I have to wonder has anything really changed. There have been many ups and downs and on the outside it seems like a lot has happened. But when I look at myself I see the same things; most of the same struggles and demons to battle. When New Years comes around will I have the same resolutions as the years before? Will I reach my goals for weight loss and personal contentment that I so desire? Will the bottle and pack consume me? There are so many things I want to let go of and let God do what he wants to do. Why are these things so hard for me? Why the everyday battle? The struggle with being alone and feeling defeated by my vices. I wonder if the future ahead of me will solve these problems but I know it won’t. I feel the need to fix it all before that day or it will all be wrong in some way. I know the key to winning this battle within is through the love of Jesus and a relationship with Him, but it seems so hard for me to truly let go and let Him in. I want to pray more regularly and read my word everyday but I don’t. Again the vices consume and I go another day defeated. I wake up and thank God for another chance to do right by Him and then go to bed wondering why I have failed again. I know the Bible says that the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy yet I allow my flesh and him to do all three. Stealing my time from God, killing me inside and destroying my family in secret. I turned 25 yesterday and I realized I wanted to be a different person then I have been for the past 25 years. I want to walk upright before God and be a living example of how God can work in someone’s life. His grace and mercy is sufficient for me and it has been so abundant that I feel I may use it all up. I thank God for keeping me safe even when I was not walking in His will. I only pray that I will think of this reflection each day and think of my family before I decide to go out for no reason other than having the company of others. I started this with the intention of posting a blog on my MySpace page but maybe it’s a bit too personal for that. I am sending this to you because I know you will pray for me and love me in spite of my faults.

Why did I get married??

This morning did not go too well. I haven't talked to Jake in two days. At this point I am not even sure why I got married in the first place. If things haven't gotten that much esier and, as far as I am concerned, have changed for the worst, then what is the point. Here's the story, Jake, or "Princess" as I like to call him sometimes, car broke down a few weeks ago. With gas prices as high as they are right now I can't seem to figure out why he can't catch the bus home from work. Here is a typical day for me, him and our son...

Wake up
Get Ready
Wife takes Princess to train station (10 min. drive)
Wife takes son to camp (10 min drive)
Wife drives to subway station (25 min. drive)
Wife and Princess are at work
Wife takes subway to car
Wife picks up son from camp (25 min drive)
Wife goes home (15 min. drive)
Wife starts dinner
Wife picks Princess up from train (10 min drive)
Wife drives home (10 min drive)
Princess plays on internet
Wife finishes dinner (times vary)
Family eats
Princess plays on internet
Wife cleans up
Wife gets son ready for camp next day which may include but is not limited to washing clothes, ironing, helping with shower, prayers etc.
Wife takes shower
Wife watches a little TV
Wife goes to bed
Princess plays on internet and watches sports
Princess takes shower and irons his clothes
Princess goes to bed

Sometimes Princess cooks steak-ums or burgers but wife still cleans it all up.

I know you may be thinking it can't be this structured and boring but it is. Oh and no we do not have conversation unless it is for him to ask me how to do something on the internet or what bills are in line to be paid (which by the way, wife pays bills online at work)

I am so tired of the regiment. I talked to mom and she says "Set boundaries". The problem is that I get very frustrated when trying to communicate with Princess and I often start screaming which isn't good for the boy so lately I have decided to just be frustrated and go to bed early. I know this approach is not going to work for much longer.

But this morning was the icing on the cake. Yesterday the boy had football practice, which I take him to, and Princess decided that since he got off early and did not want to wait for a ride, he would catch the bus home. He gets home at 8pm and calls me to ask if I had plans for dinner. How would I have plans if I was at Football practice. Did he thing he was going to come how to a meal? I came home a little early to show my brother my new house and got started making a bread I have been wanting to make. If you walked in the kitchen and saw a bunch of flour and sugar would you think it was dinner or dessert? I mean give me a break. He then asked if he should heat up leftovers or do something else. DUH!!!

I get home to leftovers heating and fishsticks not made for the boy. I help the little one with his things because he is tired from Football practice and when the food is finished Princess says he is too tired to even make a plate for himself so he gets on the internet. TIRED FROM WHAT!!!! Being on the bus and heating up food? Anyway, he finally made a plate, ate it on his lap and played on the cp for the rest of the night. I am not sure what time he got finished because I went to bed. Oh I washed clothes and did a few other things like vacuum the upstairs and clean the bathroom because Princess must play with his pubic hairs and get them all over the floor and God forbid he lift the seat up and see if he left any gifts so I clean the bathroom everyday so I am not throwing up when it is time for me to use it.

What puts the icing on the cake is that I usually clean the kitchen after I cook but since I did not cook and was already pissed that Princess was on the cp forever I went to bed. When I went down this morning to the kitchen my rice cooker was still on and very hot, the food was still on the stove and the stove was a mess and the counters were trashed. I could have kicked Princess in the balls.

I didn't say anything because I knew I would start off yelling but I am going to definately talk to him about it later. I mean how selfish and retarted can you be?

Why did I get married????? (I wish he would walk a mile in my shoes)