nine years

I have spent nine years with Jake today and the past six months have been the toughest. What happened six months ago? We got married. It hasn't been very bright like some may think. This holiday that just past was the toughest because I felt like I had to lie to people who asked about the "Newlyweds". It was sickening the about of times I had to smile and say that things were cool even though they are not. Sometimes I think the best story will be the day we started dating and the week of our marriage. I hope we have more good stories to tell sooner than later. Happy nine years Jake and many more. Goodnight.

Dear Jake

I see that you are trying to be better. After I mentioned that I was cleaning and you were flicking the channels you got up and helped a bit. You cleaned up after yourself after YOU cooked dinner for the family on my non-cooking day. We talked and laughed about a few things. You handled Sam and his homework and the heat was on in his room this morning before he woke up. I am still bummed about the car situation and the toilet but I have to continue to take one day at a time and thank God for the small things. For your effort and the hope that in the end we are both reaching for the same goal. Yes things are tough now but knowing that we both want it to be better gives me hope. You even agreed to go to the church for the couples ministry on handling conflict resolution. When I asked you were we going and made a joke of how jacked up we are and that we need every bit a help we can get, you agreed that we need to be on the front row early. It was funny but true and that helped. You hugged me and gave me a kiss. I know that seems small but you haven't done that in a long time. It was before it was time to go to bed and very random and I thank you for that. Thank you for trying. I am going to try harder too. I know we can do this.

What I want

This is what I want in life. Is it attainable? What do you think? I asked Jake if he was seeing someone not because he is on the phone all hours or sneaks around but because he has to be laughing and sharing his thoughts with someone right. I mean I talk to my best friend and that is not the same but I am miserable because when I need a friend I have to call her and it shouldn't be that way. He doesn't seem to be sad or unhappy so I wonder who gets hime to smile or what he looks forward to everyday because I know it isn't me. The song below is song by Musiq Soulchild which I probably shouldn't be listening to right now.

Greatestlove lyrics

Girl, you came into my life
Just like a new tune on the radio
It was so beautiful even though I never heard it before
On that day when I looked into your eyes
I realized right then that u are the one that I'm searching for
When we spend time I just can't ignore that

Baby u and me we're just so good together
Look at how we harmonize
Girl, we're like the perfect melody that keeps getting better
We can stand the test of time
All we had were letters till we formed the words
Started from the lyrics till we found the verses that can bridge us through
Baby we could be the greatest love song

You truly complement my style
Sorta like a good rhyme done to the track,
You're so wonderful, these days it's so rare to find something like that
And everybody needs a little bit of inspiration
And baby, you, you're mine
Just like a guitar needs a string, girl I need you
There's no reason I could ever leave you

Baby u and me we're just so good together
Look at how we harmonize
Girl, we're like the perfect melody that keeps getting better
We can stand the test of time
All we had were letters till we formed the words
Started from the lyrics till we found the verses that can bridge us through
Baby we could be the greatest love song

All my life, I've been waiting for you and now you're here with me
So, don't worry about a thing
Even when we're old and gray, I'll still be loving you

That, baby u and me are just so good together
Look at how we harmonize
Girl, we're like the perfect melody that keeps getting better
We can stand the test of time
All we have are the letters till we form the words
Started from the lyrics till we found the verses that can bridge us through
Baby we could be the greatest love song

To Jake

Why are you so angry in the morning? Why do I have to get up as soon as the alarm goes off? It is not my fault it talks you longer to get ready. I guess I am just not girly enough. It does not take five minutes to get a shirt on. If Sam wants oatmeal, instant by the way, there is no reason you can't boil the water and pour some in a carry bowl. You are always the last one out of the house because you are busy looking in the mirror or doing whatever you do because I am always in the car waiting for you. You act like we have made you late. we are always on time or early. Today we were really early. Sam has picture day, a trip coming up, tuition due and we have paperwork to mail in for the adoption and I have to take care of it all even though I asked you to handle the pictures and trip. You asked "Are you going to go to the MAC machine or something? What are you going to do?" If I wanted to figure it out I would have like I have been doing for the past eight years of Sam's life. Sometimes I feel like a single parent with a grown man living in the house. i just keep praying for the Lord to help me with my tongue so I do not say what I am thinking. I talked to my dad yesterday and he told me to treat you like I want to be treated. I would do that but when I did it in the past you did not notice and said that because you do not need affection or anyone to be nice or do anything for you, you don't notice or care that someone is doing nice things for you. I got home yesterday and went right into the kitchen to cook a Sunday meal. It was not quick. I like to cook and I appreciated your brother putting the food away but I had to wash the dishes. I know you would say I did not have to wash them but they would have piled up until Saturday and even then I would have been the one washing them. Thank you for making my plate. I have to see the good. I am just wondering at what point I became unhappy with my whole situation. I enjoyed life much more when I lived with my mom. Is that because I was wilding out sometimes and it did not really matter what you did because I always had a buddy (as Musiq says) to tell me I am beautiful and that I was fun to be around. A buddy that did not interfere but was always there when I called. Now that the buddies are gone I have nothing and no one to say those things. Sending birthday gifts or hey I was thinking of you and I am taking you to lunch or shopping for a new outfit. I know most people say buddies are dangerous because you have to give too much of yourself but my buddies felt sorry for me because they thought I was giving so much to you. My car was always clean, hair done if I needed it, money in my pocket, a smile because he called me a queen. I should have known this would happen. I have always been spoiled by him and now that I am married to you and did not pick him, even though we are still friends, he refuses to fill the shoes you don't fit. This was the first time he didn't get me a birthday gift and every time we go to lunch he doesn't say anything more than any of my girlfriends would say. I am jealous when he talks about his relationship with his girlfriend but I try not to let it show. I know if I did he would just say it was my fault anyway. A marriage for me has to be more than this. I know I could get another buddy but I want you to be my buddy that is why I picked you and not him. I guess that was dumb of me. You may never be the man I need you to be. You may never love me the way I need to be loved but I have to love you anyway and not regret. LORD, fix my heart. I want to be happy again.

Random thoughts

Where do I begin...

I have several things on my mind right now so if it all doesn't make sense I would not be surprised.

My car is not our car because you do not do anything to take car of it. If it needs an oil change I get take it. I wash it, clean it, get it inspected, I get tires changed and deal with the car bullies myself. If you are driving it it is because I am letting you borrow it. You told me that it is my car so I need to take care of it. You do not dedicate any time on a Saturday or any other day to take care of "our" car so it is not ours. Yes I know they say in a marriage everything is fifty fifty and that you share responsibilities and all that but sharing responsibilities does not make me fixing, calling in favors, making mechanic contacts, warming the car in the morning because you are upstairs getting pretty for work and you just driving the car make it become "our" car. So when you want to go out for you cousins birthday you better hope he comes to pick you butt up because you cannot borrow my car on the weekend because I have places to go and people to see in my car. I mean you don't even put gas in it. Ours... NO MINE!!!!!

My boss is a pain in the butt and I don't know how anyone could have married his anal butt. He talks old school to another level. How is it that I work with two and a half other great guys and I got stuck with this guy in the beginning. He has no personality and frankly I think he has smiled once this year and it is November. I was told he used to be the life of the party and was not so uptight but that is not the guy I know. I just wish he would let go of all those things that are weighing him down. It makes him no fun to be around and way to serious.

I do not want any more children. I still have not changed my mind on that. It may be a phase but I don't know. Now that I am married to Jake I really don't want anymore children. I am an affectionate person. Call me a hopeless romantic and I think last night was the first time we talked for more than five minutes since we got married in May. OK maybe since we moved into the house in July. Yesterday I was feeling loving so I sent him and email to let him know he was in my thoughts and I know he received it but he did not respond. Now me being the highly emotional person I am and having an even more emotional week as I do once every month, I wanted a response and did not receive one so it bummed me out. I have been praying to let things go so I dismissed it and declared it a movie night , which is when I go in my room and watch a movie with myself. Anyway, needless to say I did not watch the movie because I had to see the episode of Heroes I missed last night. We talked for a total of about five minutes throughout the show and then went to bed which is when we had the "our" car conversation. it did not blow up, I left my comments to myself determined to get them out here.

My mother gave Jake scriptures to go over with Sam because he has been dealing with some fear issues. Instead of telling me about it and following through with it, he hands me the paper that my mom had just given him before she got out of the car and said here are the scriptures your mom gave for Sam, not mentioning the fact that they were for him to go over with him. Sam asked my mom "How do adults deal with fear?" I found out the next day during a conversation with my mother that she had given the paper to Jake because he is a man and because he is the head of the home. I honestly think that he thinks being a head means going to work and making money and making sure bills are paid. But I do that I know there is more to it then that. We have a lot of growing and learning to do if we are going to make this thing work. God help us.