from Faith to Faith

This weekend was good and bad at the same time. The good didn't come til Sunday but it came.

I told Jake that I didn't want to be married and we talked/argued/I cried til about 4am Sunday morning. I knew that if I did not go to church I would really have a rough week. I need a pick me up and only Jesus could do. We went to church together and the message was "From Faith to Faith" pastor said that we have to go from faith to faith or situation to situation in order to get to the end of our journey. We have to have faith that not by our own wills and doings but that through Him we can victory over things. He began with...

Romans 1:13-17
13Now I would not have you ignorant, brethren, that oftentimes I purposed to come unto you, (but was let hitherto,) that I might have some fruit among you also, even as among other Gentiles.

14I am debtor both to the Greeks, and to the Barbarians; both to the wise, and to the unwise.

15So, as much as in me is, I am ready to preach the gospel to you that are at Rome also.

16For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.

17For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith.


Pretty much Paul was saying that he was in debt to everyone to preach the gospel of Jesus. Not just that he died for you but that the power of God is revealed from Faith to Faith. So live by faith.

He gave the example of Job's story and that sometimes we go through just as a test. It is not always the devil up to no good. Sometimes God wants to know how we will handle our trials.

He also talked about the story of Joseph in Genesis 39. That Joseph resisted temptation from Potiphar's wife and that God was with him. Even though he did the right thing he still was lied on and thrown into prison. Christians will get lied on and people will try to bring harm against you but you have to know that God is with you. God kept Joseph and showed him favor while he was in prison. The reason Joseph had to go through in the first place was because he had told his brothers about his dreams and they were jealous and he was sold into Egypt. He still did as he should and never betrayed Potipher's trust. throughout the story, Joseph had to go from Faith to Faith and in the end his blessing was made known to all. I am going to study this story a little more but I was truly blessed by the message.

I understand that I have been failing my tests. I started smoking again (I have given it up) and drinking thinking that would solve my issues but it did not. My hope has to lye in Jesus. I know that I can get through these issues. I was allowing my happiness to depend on whether or not my family and my husband in particular did what I wanted them to do. My families behavior and Jake's lake of understanding cannot determine my peace and happiness or I will always be miserable. I have to stay in prayer and read my Bible moving from faith to Faith. I realize that it may get worse before it gets better but I am going to get it. And yes I know I will make many mistakes. But I can't be angry and miserable for ever.

My mom told me she was angry all the time and my brother and I suffered for it. I wonder if she had not allowed situations to determine her peace would it have been different. It is hard to trust God for me because I guess it was hard for my mom. But I know I can make a better effort so that Sam will understand how to trust Him when he grows older.

I told Jake on Saturday that if I would take getting married back in a minute if I could. I am in it now and I am in it to win it. I WILL pass this test. I guess you are wondering what his response was. He said he can't relate and that he never asks me to do anything for him and that he can't understand why I am angry about the clothes on the floor that he threw in the basement over a month ago b/c it is his basement and I should not care. He does not ask me to cook for him or wash his clothes and the only thing I should worry about is myself and Sam. My response was, "Then why did I get married? So I could have sex without feeling guilty about it? If that is the case then I wasted my time. I thought when you got married you were to think as one whole and not individually." The conversation went on and, as usual had no conclusion. I woke up with bags under my eyes and pain in my chest but I knew I had to get to church.

Pooper Scooper

I am the pooper scooper

But that's my fault

I should never have let the dog out of the house.

TAKE IT HOW YOU WANT TO!!! (MEN!!!!!)

The last few days

My bday totally sucked. I allowed myself to stay i nthe house thinking something spectacular was going to happen but it did not. Don't be mad at Jake. Be mda at me. I got a call on Friday night to hang with a college buddy and on Saturday to hang with my crazy cousin. I will not do that again. Anyway, I just wanted to say that the last two days have been pretty good. Of course nothing is perfect but I am trying to make the best of everything. I just thought I would let you know.

The Birthday Card-Your Love Means So Much

It's easy to be in love when everything is going right...
...with candlelight dinners and moonlit walks.

But you love me even when loving me is hard to do...
when I'm grouchy and irritable or too distracted to give you the attention you deserve.

You love me in good times and bad, and I don't think you realize how much that means to me.

Life may not always be perfect, but your love is enough to give me hope that the happy days will always outnumber the sad...

As long as we spend them together.

I love you.

Unique


This card made me think. I have to work harder to make this work. I can't just go to bed early and expect things to be any different in the morning. We both have to work this thing out. Pray for me

The Card before my birthday

My husband gave me this card last night. It was on my pillow for me to read before I went to bed. I thought it was my birthday card but he gave me another one this morning. Here is what the card said...

I hate it when we fight,becuase I know deep in my hearthow much we care for one another.

It's silly, when you think about it, that two people who love each othershould have such a hard time getting back on the right track.

I want so much for us to listen openly to each other and focus on what brought us together in the first place...

to get past the hurt and tears to the hugs and kisses...

beyond misunderstandings to forgiveness...

I'm more than willing to try, and I hope you are, too...
because when things are right between us, life couldn't be better.
And I can't wait till we're back enjoying each other again.

Love Unique

I thought his was a nice card with a but next to it. Jake has always had the ability to find the nicest cards but not be able to verbally communicate. I guess I will go off my cooking strike and make a meal tomorrow. Today is my bday so you know I am not cooking today. What do you think?.......

Pre-Birthday blues

My birthday is tomorrow and instead of being totally excited like I usually am, I am totally bummed. My husband told me he was getting me an iphone for my birthday and asked me to find all the information in order for me to get it. That sucked because I am a hopless romantic and love surprises but I chalked it up, did the research just to find out, like I thought, that he can't get the phone for me until the end of October when my contract is up and I am ready for an upgrade. If he had did the research then he would have known and not got my hopes up.

This birthday is going to be interesting. I haven't talked to Jake almost at all this week other than to answer a few questions. My brother-in-law is living with me now and I only hsve one bathroom. It is really irritating. He is a good kid but I mean he left a wash cloth in the kitchen on the bar of the stove. I guess he thought that was a good place to put it. I get the jibbies quick so I moved it and sprayed the area with bleach. I want to move into my mom's house or something. I stayed over her house as long as I could yesterday and went to my room to read for the rest of the night before I went to bed. I am trapped in my home. My mom alsways tried to make my birthday and all special days nice for me. She and Sam would decorate the house with drawings and put up Happy Birthday signs with construction paper. They were always hanging out together so they had no problem going to the store to pick up a card. We all did the same for each other.

We will just have to see how it goes. I hope year 26 is a good one.

My

So I walk in the house after going to Burger King and maybe I am being petty but I put some sauce n the fridge for me to use later and this dude makes something to eat and breaks open the damn sauce. I have had it with everything. I am so tempted to kick somebody's ass right now. He is sitting there eating my sauce, watching tv and of course has nothing the hell to say.

Random thoughts

I woke up realizing today was a new day and it is time to think positive. I seem to be in a much better mood today which is a good thing. Yesterday was cool. I ordered out becuase my wrist was killing me all day and I just couldn't cook feeling that way. I got home and watched TV with Sam after reviewing his homework and going over his reading. I chilled on the couch, watched America's Next Top Model and America's Got Talent. I want the guys that play the violin to win. They are inspiring to the young people and they play my instrument. Making the violin cool is hard for many to do and they have mastered it. If I knew I could make my violin sound like that I would not have stopped playing it. I am glad to be alive, glad to not have another bad dreaam. Blessed in knowing that my family loves me even though they may not express it the way I want them to. I know I am missed when I am gone and that everyone loves my cooking. Jake is no exception. I know he cares and that he wants what is best for me and Sam. Sometimes it is hard to see over the mountains we climb, and often we think we will never get down or even reach the peak. Life is an uphill climb where we learn so much about ourselves. We learn the things we can handle and not handle. We learn what we like and hate and we learn that we cannot possible climb our mountains on our own. In the midst of my complaining I am learning a lot about me. I think out of all the tests and trials I have been through it is important for me to remember that I am not in this by myself and that all of life is a learning experience. I have to make the best of it. Where I am right now is where I am supposed to be. When I have learned what I am supposed to, I will move on to another phase in life. I hope the people reading my blog do not feel sorry for me. That is not why I write. I write because I know I am not alone in this and if I can help somone else realize they are not alone then I have done a great service to society. This is the best therapy anyone could get. Writing what you think no matter how ridiculous and never deleting is great. Sometimes I finish a daily blog and want to delete it because I realize I am being silly. Instead of deleting I try to adjust at home. I am a very emotional person and I know it shows in my writing. My life is good, no matter how many negative blogs I write. I pay my bills with no problem. No one is calling for late payments. Jake makes sure we have what we need. Sam is happy. Playstation, DS, not too much but just enough. Cable, new house, new pots, great friends. I have a good life. I am closer to my mom then I have ever been. I love my mother-in-law. I may not like my job but I have been blessed to work for three wonderful guys. They all have their moments but it could be worse. I know God has a plan for my life. I am glad that I am saved and that He knows and loves me. It is comforting to know that the Lord is with me through it all. I don't know how other people get through it without Him. Try Him. Fred Hammond sings a song called "A Song of Stength" that has been an encouragment to me. I am listening to it right now. I hope the words encourage you as they have encouraged me....

What do you do
When the life you've planned is shattered
What do you say
When the one you love is gone
How do you live
When there’s no hope for tomorrow
Pain doesn't care where you live or who you are

(Chorus)
Lord You see my life is broken
And I don't know what to do
While I'm in this change, help me remain
I can count on You, oh, oh
When I can't see, I know You'll guide
When I cry out, I know You feel
Now I'm praying, I know You hear
Praying for healing, I know You will

Who do you call
When no one has the answer
Where do you go
When the place you've know is no more
When will it end
All the tears they just keep falling
Pain doesn't care where you live or who you are

(Channel)
We ask you to forgive
And we will do the same
We receive Your love
Lord we'll take time to heal

(Vamp)
Hold on and wait just a little while
He'll bring a song of strength in the midnight
Touch our lives with Your loving Hand
Hold on, we'll hold on

Hold on don’t you ever let go let My Jesus lead
I guarantee he knows
When the road is rough, the going gets tough
The hills are hard to climb
Looking for peace of mind

I Can do all things through Him
He has your back

Hold on don’t you ever let go let My Jesus lead
I guarantee he knows
When the road is rough, the going gets tough
The hills are hard to climb
Looking for peace of mind

My dream

They went to a couples retreat and were having a good time meeting new people and talking over various issues. Little did she know her life was about to change for a long time and not in the right direction...

After a session Pamela went to see the on sight GYN. She claimed to be able to tell her, and the rest of the women there, if there was a medical reason for their lack of libido. Pam stared at the door and finally went in. As she waited to be seen her new girl Melissa walked out of the room. "Girl, how is it in there? I am scared she is gonna tell me I am never gonna want my husband again and that I gotta fake it til I make it. What'd she say to you, if you don't mind me askin?" Pam said. Melissa sat down and said, "Girl she told me that all I had to do was a few exercises and listen to this tape and, even though he is on my nerve, I will still want it so bad that I won't care." Well Pam was excited at that idea. See her and her husband did not seem to be having too many problems and he never really discussed it but Pam knew she might be loosing him. They hadn't had an intimate night in months because she didn't really want to have sex with him and she knew he was not going to be able to take it much longer. She had tried to convince herself that her feelings would go away and that she would get used to the fact that he irked her and that even when she did give him some, it wasn't any good to her. But When she caught him taking care of himself one night while she was sleeping, she knew she had to act quickly cause a hand job was not gonna last him for too long.
Pam finally got her turn with the doctor. Dr. Watkins was a normal looking woman in her fifties with a bright smile on her face when Pam walked in. After a short period of time she and Pam had discussed everything. Pam told her how unfaithful she was before she got married but explained that she had been faithful since they got engaged. She told her all about the bad sex and that she had no intention on going outside of her marriage. She had done enough of that before she got married and wanted to figure out how to make this work. The doctor gave her the same advice as she gave Melissa and sent her to find the freaky she used to have inside.
After Pam and Thomas got home from the sessions they both had a new since of vigor towards one another and were intimate for a short time. After a month of trying her best to want her husband and even if she didn't to fake it, Pam began to give up. They had sex less and less and after three months things were back to the way they were before the session. Wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV, Pam go to sleep, Thomas iron clothes then go to bed a few hours later.
Pam always wondered what her husband did at night after she went to bed. Was he on the Internet rekindling past relationships. Was signing him up to Facebook the worse thing she could have done? She often thought back on how crazy they were before they got married. Pulling over for a quicky on the way to the club or cutting class for a fun filled day of sex sex and more sex. What went wrong?
The session rolled around again and for some weird reason Thomas was eager to attend. When they arrived he went with the men and she went with the women. She caught up with Melissa, who was looking rather relaxed and pleased. She sauntered into the room. "Girl, I have been changed. Those tapes and exercises really worked. My husband and I have been on a second honeymoon!" Melissa beamed. Pam lied and said things were great with her and Thomas too. After the day session Pam went to find her husband but after asking the session leader she was informed that he had never come to the meeting or registered for any classes. Pam had left her cell phone in the car and ran out to get it when she found her husband in the back having sex with a woman that was oddly familiar. She stood there for a while and starred at them. When she knocked on the window her husband did not look apologetic but pissed that she had interrupted. He took off his ring and asked her how long did she think he was going to wait for her. Stunned, she looked up at the girl and realized it was Nicole, one of Thomas' friends on Facebook. She turned crying and ran, in the rain as fast and as far as she could. She finally reached her mothers house and told her what happened. Her mother just let her cry.... AND THEN I WOKE UP CRYING AS HARD AS I EVER HAD IN A LONG WHILE. Of course the characters were really Jake and I but I couldn't bare to write those name cause I don't want to cry anymore. Should I be worried?

Random thoughts

We don't talk much, he doesn't say anything in the morning. He gets to work and no longer calls at lunch. I miss the way things were before. The wedding and reception was a hoax. We really aren't that together. Today I feel alone as usual. I cooked even though Sam and I had already eaten. He doesn't reach out for me anymore. It's only been three month. What am I going to do? The bus is working. The schedule is great. I drive a lot more but it gives me time to myself. I wanted a best friend other than Danika when I got married but I should have know that getting married would not necessarily make us better friends. I never liked talking on the phone to him before because he never had anything to say. What made me think things would be even a little different. Now we just sit in silence in the house. I don't even want to mention sex because what sex?!?!? I could blame that on myself but I still haven't mastered the pep talk my mother in law gave me. "All you gotta do is keep the house clean, kids together and give em some and everything will be cool." Well if I am doing all that then WTF is he doing? I can't not talk to you all day and then go to bed and be a freak. (yes I am a freak or at least I was when I was actin a darn fool) Now I am married and can be a legal freak and that is just not happening. Kids, I don't want anymore. I am happy with Sam and Sam only. Lord help us all if I get pregnant before the good Lord changes my mind. Jake says football is better than diamond rings. Well, it is football season and it must be better than family and everything else in life. He cany't even get his studing done because he has to have the remote and turn to every channel for football. And yes that includes college as well. It is going to be a long season. I am not looking forward to actually living with him during the season. He was always at my mom's house when he was watching the games but at least on Saturday's I told him not to come over if he was just going to watch football all day and at least my mom was there for me to talk to. Lord help me. Oh I like the game but I don't idolize it. Sam and I are just going to have to find other things to occupy our time.

Missing Rib

So last weekend I figured it out. I understand why most, if not all, men are a little off in more ways than one. I have only been married for a short period of time and over the weekend I realized that writing this blog has done so much for me. I now realize that I am not alone. Talking to other married women helps me see that the male thought process is pretty much the same no matter where you are from, what nationality you are or how you were raised. Men are men and a lot os them do the same dumb stuff.

I thought to myself, what do all men have in common that women do not have and I realized it was a missing rib. When God created Woman he took a rib from Adam and made woman from it. Obviously the key to thinking properly and making sense is in whatever Adam lost when God took that rib.

Before I figured this out Jake and I got into a big argument that resulted in him appologizing after I had left the house and I guess he had time to think about it. Here is the story...



My doctor told me to rest me wrist over the weekend to try and heal the tendinitis he said I have (I am so glad it was not carpal tunnel). Anyway, as you know, Jake told me not to be superwoman so I thought he was going to do what was necessary to clean the House on Friday and Saturday. I usually wake up in the morning, wash any dishes leftover, clean kitchen, wash, fold and put clothes, sheets, towels etc. away, sweep and mop the bathroom and kitchen floors, wash the tub, toliet and sinks, sweep my bedroom floor and straighten the livingroom. Jake and Sam usually vacuum and Sam cleans his room and takes out trash.





I thought that Jake would do everything I usually do but when I woke up early on Saturday I decided to wash and fold clothes and he could do the rest. If I can do it every week he could do it until my hand is better. When I returned from a meeting (I was gone for about three and a half hours) my house was still not clean. Instead of saying anything about the house I decided to just tell Sam to take a shower because Jake was going to clean the bathroom and I didn't want Sam to mess it up by taking his shower later. Well Jake had a fit that I assumed he was going to clean the bathroom. He said he had no intention on cleaning it and I should not make assumptions. We went on to have a intense talk about what I do around the house and that all thought was that he was going to do it because I was told not to be "Superwoman". After listening to him go on and on about me making assumptions I told him I thought he was crazy and that I don't think he even understood what he was talkng about. Like I said in the beginning I guess he had to think about how ridiculous he sounded and then he called to appologize and say that he appreciates me and knows I work really hard to kkep the house clean and keep things in order and that he would try to pick up the pieces. I know ladies some of you may think I should have run home because I won but you only win when the test comes around again and he passes.



Alright, when I got home I, after a trip to mini golf, the laundrymat, playground and the market I ended up enjoying the rest of my day.

Now that I know Jake is missing a rib I can function a little better. I know it maybe just may way of coping but it works.